My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
