I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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