2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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