hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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