if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
