just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
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