you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
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i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
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You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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