she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
