This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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