dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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