So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
