Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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