Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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