Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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