I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
