Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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