Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
