He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
