I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
