mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
