I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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