her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
