so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
