im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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