I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
