i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
