I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
