I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
