When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
