Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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