i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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