It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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