i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Couch. On fire.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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