The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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