Im at strip club and am horny
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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