Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
