Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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