Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
