just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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