Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
