I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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