Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
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he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
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I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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