This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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