Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
