i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
