Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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