i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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