Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
