Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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