I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
