I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
