if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
