I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
