Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
