So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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