he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
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I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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