what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
