Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
