Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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